Neurotic Near
by Kid9535
Summary: I am not bashing Near. Just a little crack I wanted to try. Have you ever wondered why Near twists his hair? A little FOP reference. T for language. Halle and Gevanni want to know.


A/N: It isn't as bad as it sounds, really! I just couldn't think of a title. Okay, all this came to me when I saw this fanart about Near imagining Mello and L falling in love in Heaven and I thought, hey! Near's got a meaning in that twist of his!

Disclaimer: Don't own Death Note

**Neurotic Near**

It was too much…

Just too much…

They had to know, they had to find out.

He just kept doing it over and over and over again.

It was so annoying! Every time they saw him he'd go at it. And when he stopped, it wasn't for long before he was doing it again!

Gevanni had had enough; he confronted Hal who was uncoincidentally in the same predicament. It was annoying, it was childish. It was…Near!

"Hal, we have got to do something about _his _stupid habit!" Urgent whispers echoed the spare room said gossip subject never entered. What business would he have in the kitchen anyway?

"I know what you mean. Wait, are we talking about the same person?" She frowned, it would be a hassle to have to gossip about entirely different people.

"Yes, I do mean N. What do you suggest we do?"

"I don't know! Ask Rester to ask him, he's closest to him."

"Are you kidding? What he tells on us? You know how those oldies gang up on the youngies."

"Gevanni, those aren't even real words."

"I don't care! He can't be trusted you know."

"And why not? He's got a…good sense of judgement, I say we leave it to him."

"If you're so smart then why don't you ask _him _personally?" The sharp biting remark accompanied by a gritting of teeth.

"Okay…" a pause. "No, why don't you do it. Actually, we should just drop this since he could be stressed about the Kira case…he may blow his top on us."

"Are you kidding, if I see another moment where he reaches up to wind that skinny little finger around his hair and twist it in that infuriatingly casual manner…" He paused as his features contorted into a grimace. He clenched his fingers until they resembled a bunch of grappling hooks. Then he relaxed. "No, this has gone on long enough."

"Maybe we are over-reacting; after all, everyone has his habits."

"Are you kidding? This is worse than his stupid toy obsession. He keeps demanding for more! Did you see the price list he gave Rester? I didn't bother adding up the whole thing, but lemme tell you, that price list just sky-rocketed all the way through the roof and shot a hole through the moon."

"Calm down Gevanni,_ he's _just next door."

"Correction Hal, _I _am right here." Two head whipped around to face a certain albino boss.

Gevanni gritted his teeth, silently cursing; Hal kept a straight face and forced a greeting. "Good evening, Near."

"_Freaking twit, we're not servants." _Gevanni hissed under his breath before he was painfully nudged by Hal who was frantically trying to salvage the situation.

"How long have you been eavesdropping?" Gevanni mentally slapped himself, how could Hal be so direct?

"Since 'I say we leave it to him'." Near intoned, clearly bored. His hand slowly ascended towards his silver locks, finger already out-stretched, waiting to wrap a lock around the digit. His other hand clenched around an action figure clasped firmly beside him.

Closer.

Closer.

That's when Gevanni snapped.

"Why are you always curling your damn hair!" He raged. Hal was shocked at his out burst, and quietly prayed that his head stayed on his shoulders and his paycheck arrived in the mail. "I mean, I'm sure we all have our quirky habits here and there. I'm frankly okay with the toy addiction. But this is just too much! You just keep doing it! Over and over and over and over! That stupid constant circling! Twisting and pulling and repeating! Don't you ever get tired of it? Because frankly Hal and I are-"

"Don't drag me into this!" Hal snapped.

"-sick of it!"

Silence washed over the three. Near with his finger still poised next to a lock of hair, he hadn't made the move to twist it yet. He stood there with a blank look plastered onto his face before his slowly lowered his head followed by his hand. With his expression covered by his bangs, Gevanni and Hal weren't sure whether they had seen their last case, or more importantly, their last days.

"So…Gevanni," Near quietly intoned monotonously. "You wish to know…the comeuppance of my 'dreadful' habit?"

Gevanni was stunned by Near's actions but not so that he wasn't able to compose himself and state angrily that yes, he did wish to know. After all, as his employees and the fact that he knew every aspect of their lives, they ought to at least know why he twists his bloody damn hair.

Near just slowly made his way over to a kitchen stool and positioned himself with his leg next to his face. _"He really wishes to know."_ He muttered to himself. Raising his action figure, he muttered to it, _"Did you hear that? He really wishes to know."_

Then Near started to chuckle.

Hal was starting to feel nervous, very nervous. Gevanni had a bad feeling but the irked man had not fully calmed down yet.

The chuckling slowly grew.

Louder.

And louder.

Then Near was full-out laughing, a maniacal laugh that, between you and me, could've rivaled that of Kira's.

Hal had started taking slow steps backwards as the eerie collection of 'HAHAHAHAHA's continued to echo throughout the kitchen. She gulped when her back hit the fridge. Meanwhile, Gevanni was trying to locate the nearest exit, and failing miserably. All traces of anger had disappeared; a frantic search for answers had ended with an abrupt halt.

Slowly, the laughter waned before abruptly ceasing just as fast as it had developed. With twitching eyes and shaking limbs, Gevanni and Hal made their way behind the counter; the only barricade as to what might come next.

"Unfortunately," Near began. "I am not in the mood to childishly hurl random cutlery and foodstuff towards the both of you and you are both far too valuable to sack. So I suppose explaining to you a frivolous matter of the condition of my sanity would not be such a big matter."

Gevanni tried not to hyperventilate while Hal tried not to heave an audible sigh of relief.

Near continued as if laughing like a crazed man on crack wasn't a big deal, "This act of curling is not a beauty trick; it is not a mere habit. It is a discreet sign, a signal if you will. To anyone who understands, of course it will not work around you anymore but it will with Rester, as long as you do not divulge any of this information. And," he paused to shoot a cold glare at the pair trying not to lose their cool behind the counter. "I trust you both will not do any such thing." He did not wait for a reply.

"I would like to question you of your own sanity, it is true I occasionally question my own, but who wouldn't? Not everyone can keep their cool when chasing a crazed serial killer who imagines himself as a heavenly being that is liable to pass judgment to those of his kind. Him and his degenerate retarded lacky, you of all people, Gevanni, you should understand! You were tracking a man who talked to himself! And randomly yelled out 'Sakujo!'in the middle of the night, even in slumber. Tell me I don't have a reason? If that isn't enough, he worships the ground Kira trods on, him and that slut of a producer Takada are following the orders of a mental man trying to create a perfect world when everyone's freaking insane!"

Near was ripping his hair out by now, forget twisting it. Gevanni and Hal calmly stayed out of his way.

"Not only that!" Oh gosh, he wasn't done. "Have you ever been a successor to a man who was able to function with less than 3 hours of sleep a day and consumed enough sweet treats to give a dentist a million dollars just by working on that one mouth? Or hung out with a man that looks like a girl and probably is one too considering he puts his gun in front of his pants to cover up missing parts? He was insane enough to blow up a freaking building and half his freaking face! Just for a little black notebook!"

"Now Near…" Hal began slowly, raising her hands in a placating fashion. "Calm down."

"No Hal! It's too dangerous! We're losing him!" Gevanni cried out. "Stand back where it's safe!"

"DO you know?!" Near continued, oblivious that 'Captain Crush' had lived up to his name due to his untimely demise in the teenager's hand. "That when one spends too much time with his life revolving around such a ludicrous thing as Shinigamis and one's adoration of apples, that one tends to go mad?"

Near was positively quivering, he had jumped out of his seat a long time ago and his soft but harsh words were now eruptions of syllabus. Gevanni took out a pot and placed it on his head then offered one to Hal who took it and each clutching wooden ladles in case things got ugly, they ducked behind the oven.

"AAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!" Then in a scene Gevanni had recalled watching from an American cartoon show, and he thought would never be possible in real life, Near exploded in an eruption of clothes. And when Hal and Gevanni slowly emerged from behind the oven a while sock dangling from each handle of the pot, an albino boy was seen, angrily muttering away.

Then he stalked off stark naked still quivering angrily.

It came after a bit of discussion and the gathering of white pajamas off the kitchen floor.

Near's little circulation was a disguise of the crazy sign. It was no wonder, the boy spent most of his time in a dark room surrounded by plastic lumps and aimlessly stacking up god-knows-what.

That was why in the Yellow box, after Light's corpse had been collected, when that fool Matsuda had let curiosity get the better of him. He carefully inquired Near as to why he twirled his hair.

The moment Near got that look, Hal and Gevanni pulled out their guns and pointed them at Matsuda, ordering him to kindly shut the &#!$ up or they'd shoot him.

Matsuda backed off wide-eyed and stunned.

And Near just continued to signal the looniness.

The End

A/N: I know, that was stupid. What the hell was I thinking, besides cynically and comically pointing out that my favourite character in Death Note is unstable in terms of sanity. What, the hell. Please review.


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